We all want positive relationships in our lives. Whether in the family, in friendships, in partnerships, with superiors, employees, colleagues or neighbors - respectful, friendly and interested interaction gives us a feeling of security, acceptance, appreciation and connection. The basis for this is successful communication.

Understanding each other well not only means being able to understand what the other person is saying acoustically, linguistically and in terms of content, it also means being able and willing to empathize with the other person's thoughts, motivations and emotions. To ask questions without bias and to want to understand. It requires openness and the willingness to find the other person's words just as important as your own. Sometimes this is not so easy, we all know how quickly a conflict can arise. It is particularly unfortunate when this conflict is based on a misunderstanding. But even if different opinions, beliefs or expectations are the cause, after a frank and open discussion we may find that our positions are not so different after all. Or we can at least understand the other person's position.

Guide to better understanding

A helpful concept for this, which is now known worldwide, is "non-violent communication" developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. The psychologist was certain that it is not only what we say that matters, but also how we say it. He assumed that most interpersonal conflicts arise because we miscommunicate our needs in dialogs by using judgmental and condemning language.

And here's how to do it better - non-violent communication in four steps:

1. Observation: First, the situation should be observed without judgment or interpretation.
   Example: "You were half an hour late for our last three appointments."
2. Emotion: Emotions should then be felt and named with words.
   Example: "That makes me angry and sad."
3. Need: A need can be recognized from this feeling, which must also be named.
   Example: "I would like more appreciation."
4. Please: Once the need has been clearly identified, a request should be derived from it, ideally for a specific action.
   Example: "Will you please make an effort to be on time for our next appointment?"

To summarize:

Sounds quite simple, doesn't it? But how quickly we almost automatically evaluate a situation, make an accusation, which in turn is quickly perceived as an attack by the other person and leads to resistance or justification. The situation is then not resolved.

From the "I" to the "we"

A successful conversation requires openness. Talk about your own thoughts and feelings and formulate them in first-person statements. Refer to specific situations and avoid generalizations such as "always" or "never" at all costs. This causes contradiction and distracts from the actual situation. The conversation should focus exclusively on the content of the situation, stay on topic. Otherwise, the conversation runs the risk of straying completely from the actual topic.

Keep your ears open for an open conversation

There are also helpful rules for listening: Show non-verbal interest and attention through eye contact and supportive gestures such as nodding. An attentive posture and encouragement such as "I'd like to hear more about that" increase the willingness to open up and talk. If possible, summarize the most important statements in your own words. This shows that you have understood the other person. Ask open questions such as "How did that make you feel?", "How did you notice that?".

The good thing: Open questions simply avoid unnecessary interpretations and encourage the other person to delve deeper into the chosen topic. Of course, there are situations in which it is difficult to respond to the speaker with understanding, for example if the comments have upset and hurt you. Express your feelings, but keep to yourself. Even if a conversation is controversial, everyone involved should still feel that their concerns and feelings have been taken seriously.